This blog is for my business. It’s to keep the millions hundreds tens of fans updated on what great new things I’m doing. But it has another purpose, for those readers that aren’t directly related family members or best friends, this blog is so that you get to know me. Finding out that stars or artists that I look up to have just as difficult a time opening a pickle jar as I do is kinda cool. You should know, I’m not a star or consider myself worthy of being “looked up to,” but I do think I’m pretty cool and what I do for a living is really cool… so that’s the whole reason this baby is around.

Now that you know, today is gonna be a personal day. A “here’s a little window into my life” day… which are rarely as personal as it’s about to be. You’re gonna read my diary.

So if you’re new, my Mom passed away unexpectedly on Jan. 5. Even saying it out loud is gut wrenching, and though I’m trying to put the pieces back together there are a few days that I just can’t seem to do it. And that’s alright. Accepting that fact is difficult. For example, yesterday was not a good day. It happened really on Saturday night – so I’ll give you a little back story. I have been reading “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”since right after New Years (I got it for Christmas). Well I FINALLY finished it on Saturday night at 1:30ish in the morning, I was SO excited. 1)Because I never rarely read books, 2) because I rarely finish books that I read, and 3) because I never rarely read and manage to finish books. So, around 12 when it was time for bed I only had 90 pages left and I just dove in. I got so wrapped up in what I was reading that I was completely transported into the book. I didn’t even care about what time it was. Once finished, I put the book down with this HUGE grin on my face because I was so proud of myself and because it was a really good book.

I picked up my phone to glance at the time, and my home screen is a picture of my Mom during my parents cruise right after she finished all her chemo treatments.

I’ve seen the picture hundreds of times per hour day when I look at my phone, but suddenly I was flooded with emotion realizing that she was gone. It was like I had forgotten and that was my reminder. I couldn’t stop crying. Eventually, I took my mind off of things and dominated played Angry Birds. Yes, that’s right. Angry. Birds. I’m a bird throwing genius. Anyway, around 3:45ish I decided I’d try to go to bed, and that didn’t happen… so I cried some more and wrote in my diary journal.

“After my cry-fest I dominated some Angry Birds to take my mind off things. (See, even in my journal entry) And an hour or so later I decided I should get some sleep. Put the phone down, turned the light off and shut my eyes. Instantly, I hear my Dad on the phone, ‘Lezlee, I don’t know how to tell you this [sigh] your Mom has passed away.’ MY WHAT?! WHO?! He repeated, ‘your Mom.’ I remember falling to the floor crying and asking HOW? WHAT HAPPENED?! Mixed in with periods of silence from crying was Dad saying that they had found her slumped over her desk at school. I didn’t know what to do. How could this have happened?? As I lay in bed tonight these happenings just kept replaying in my head and I would cry harder. I just don’t understand. She’s supposed to be here. My life was never supposed to not include her. I’m stuck, not being able to see my future because everything has been shattered. How does this become part of my life? It’s not going to be alright, so don’t tell me that. Tell me how this happens and how you continue on without this one very important part of your life, your heart and your soul.”

After I finished writing this it was about 5 am… I was utterly exhausted and finally surrendered and went to sleep. Sunday was spent in a haze of depression, feeling lost and randomly crying. Even though I don’t like to admit it, I am allowed to have these days…

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